Tuesday, August 13, 2013

a lesson in self loathing

today was the epitome of wasting a day. i woke up this morning in a decent mood. got some sleep. the humidity has finally broken, so it was almost comfortable this morning. after about 20 minutes online, that's when the news got to me. one of the former loves of my life is back with the same piece of shit that would fuck her over and send her crying to me. instead of having the attitude of oh well, it became a shit on me day of what is wrong with me. it's funny, i think about what my friend Jack told me when i was 17. we were walking the streets of the Oregon District in downtown Dayton and he said that how i take things, so deeply personal and intensely, i could be nothing but a poet. i laughed at the time and here i am 20 years later a poet. congrats Jack, you were correct.

i know this is one of my bullshit processes that i go through during these moments in my life. sadly, i feel like the process is necessary as i'm 37 years old and single, with absolutely no possible relationship on the horizon (unless someone is planning on surprising me)(please). i also have had the misfortune to seriously consider suicide more times in my life than i have had a member of the opposite sex who wasn't related to me say "i love you" and actually mean it. way more. so this analytical bullshit tends to get me through all of this without injuring myself too badly.

so, spending five hours on the internet today shitting on myself while watching horrible porn is all part of the process. not necessarily healthy, but part of it. i know in a day or two, this will all be fuel to write with. i just wish the next two days of self loathing didn't need to happen. but, i look at it as the trade off for being a genius. i get to be fucked in the head. great.

off of my soapbox now...

the Yankees won last night, 2-1. first time they have won 2 games in a row in a month. hopefully tonight will be 3.

Monday Night Raw was excellent, mostly because of the segments involving CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. and RVD winning the battle royal.

i'm hoping the Yankees game is over by the time Hard Knocks comes on HBO this evening.

cat update:

my cat Tolstoy has reappeared. no visible signs of fighting or whatnot. also, while doing a little check of the boxes, igloos, etc. the cats sleep in, i found 2 kittens. probably no more than 2 weeks old at best. can't wait to tell mom that news. i pretty much know who the father is. the cat John Prine will fuck anything that moves. i don't know who the mother is. i guess i'll need to figure that out later this week.

that's all. i guess i should check my email now.


Jason Isbell - Southeastern
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

"I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it." - Alfred Hitchcock

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