Monday, January 9, 2017

i guess i'm too bitter to be naive

i really have no clue why it took my uncle's family so god damn long to get him into hospice. was it that they were too fucking naive about cancer and death? were they so fucking selfish that they had to have him at home? it never made any damn sense to me, but it was never my place to say anything. so my uncle went to hospice yesterday. they cleaned him up and 10 minutes later he was dead. i figured his goal was to make it to Christmas and since he achieved that, it shouldn't be too long... the service is on Wednesday. i'm not looking forward to it. my uncle died without ever knowing what one his daughters did to me. now, i put that on my mother since she chose to not tell anyone about it. so, there's an ocean of feelings for me going into this one. i respected my mother's wishes of not telling him myself, but now i get to spend a funeral where the cousin that molested me will be just a few feet away. the stages of grief, they are all fucked up for me. i went a quarter century not being around my uncle, always thinking that my mother and father had told him why. and then to think that we moved next door to him so he could live out his final days around his sister. i have no fucking clue if we are staying here or not now. i was thinking in the car today that there's probably only 5% of me that's left that doesn't want to die. i have no fucking clue how much longer i can live for that 5%. and i know damn well Wednesday is going to be a shit show where i'm supposed to have a brave face on and not embarrass anyone or make a scene. it's not easy for me to swallow everything that has happened to me and pretend it never fucking existed in the first place. it's even harder when you know the people that are supposed to love you simply don't give a shit. and to think all i ever really wanted was for someone to say i'm sorry. nearly 35 years later, i doubt sorry fucking cuts it now. and when i've exhausted the poems about it, where the fuck do i go from there? so yeah, the funeral will be on Wednesday. i'll be highly medicated.

i thought The Golden Globes was pretty good last night. being a very liberal person, i enjoyed all the shots at the incoming king. i would say president, but i know better. i was really happy for Donald Glover. i thought Atlanta was a really amazing show. the two awards last night proved it.

The Affair was a bit of a holy fuck episode last night.

the football games went how i expected them to last night. next week's games should be better.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Vice News Tonight. i'll be watching Monday Night Raw for most of the evening.

sure, i know Alabama is playing Clemson tonight for the national championship. if Ohio State was playing, i'd be watching. i suppose the football game will be on during commercials.

i did write 7 poems today, shocker. i certainly wasn't in the mood to type them up. maybe i'll do that later tonight.

i got the artwork i ordered from Etsy today. it's fucking awesome. here's a link to the shop:

i went to the grocery store this afternoon, mostly just to get out of the damn house. for most of the time i was in the store, i was sort of like a zombie. but then i happened to turn up an aisle and be behind this beautiful black woman wearing tight sweatpants. something about watching as ass shake that snaps you right out of being a zombie. yes, the poem is already written.

i will probably be on here tomorrow after Manchester United plays. and i will probably have some more poems written and all of them typed up (hopefully).

my mom is depressed, which i completely understand. as i wrote today, sometimes when we grow old we enter a perpetual state of grief. i'm only 40, so i don't know if there's any fucking way out of it yet.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...


Fitz & The Tantrums - Songs for a Breakup: Volume 1 EP
St. Paul & The Broken Bones - Burning Rome
Red Wanting Blue - My Name Is Death (Live)
Tinsley Ellis - Kiss of Death

"I've never been an optimist." - Joan Baez

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day:

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