Thursday, January 31, 2013

all things must pass

as i said here a few days ago, my writing session last night was either going to be one of glee or anger. and despite a win from Manchester United earlier in the day, although they played the last 45 minutes holding on for dear life, the Dayton Flyers brought me the anger i was expecting. sort of.

not winning at Xavier is nothing new, fuck, they haven't done it since 1981. but to be out-rebounded like a bunch of pussies was really hard to watch. 1 damn rebound here and there and they win the game easily. i did appreciate the coach saying after the game that the basketball gods don't reward teams that don't deserve to win. no shit.

so, my writing session was 7 poems long. a few winners i think. i typed them up this afternoon while watching the snow come down outside. i know 1 of the poems will go to Jeremy Benson for the poetry e-book project he is putting together. you can find out more about the project by going here:

and now allow me to address the comments left on this blog by my "best friend" Debbie Kirk, the queen of wannabe tough women. and trust me, that last comment has her pissed off already. not sure why she wanted to air the dirty laundry in public, but that was her choice. i only feel it is right that my retort is public as well. let me peel back the onion a bit so you know how all this bullshit started. Debbie didn't like my first YouTube video. it is completely her right not to like it. she gave me some criticism on it, which i took, but apparently not in the way she wanted. i assume that was by agreeing immediately and kissing her ass. when i posted my next videos, she ate a bit of crow and said they were improvements from the first one. now, over a week later, last night she brings it up again. her big problem is that some people actually like the first video and they shouldn't. apparently personal preference is not allowed in the world of Debbie Kirk. i can't give 2 shits either way in this. i'm simply thrilled that people have taken the time to watch them at all. so, long story short i told Debbie enough was enough, which of course was met with you never tell me to stop talking, blah blah blah. which i replied with i will tell you whatever the fuck i want just like you do me. if you can't show me the same respect i show you, who has the problem? she typed back i have the problem and i told her to fuck off.

little did i know that she didn't have the balls to call me on the phone but instead chose to blast me in a public setting. now, i think i must set the record straight and get the FACTS out there.

if anyone needs to know anything about me, all you ever have to do is ask. but since i am hiding behind some fake image, allow me put it all out there. i'm 350 lbs. i'm 37. i live with my mother on 80 acres in Ohio. i haven't had a girlfriend in 10 years. i haven't had sex in 2 years. i have had sex with 11 partners in my life, all female by the way. as for my poetry being about situations i have never been in, i believe some people call that IMAGINATION. but, let's be honest. most of my poems are about masturbation, porn, taking a shit, wanting to kill myself, life on the farm, the drive into town for the mail, etc. etc. i fucking wish all of that was some imagined bullshit. my life would be perfect. do i write like i'm a badass, sure. anyone that "really" knows me knows the joke. also, anyone that "really" knows me, knows all the personal shit already. you know, like the poems i wrote about being molested in my grandmother's house by a female cousin when i was a kid or how i nearly died 5 years ago from blood clots in my left leg and both lungs. or, are those all imagined bullshit as well?

and now from her comments this morning... you do realize that the photo shoot with Anna was over 10 years ago right? why the fuck are you bringing it up now? and why are you taking it upon yourself to tell me things that she never told me? i need to know shit from 10 years ago? as for your husband, if he has something to say to me, allow him to say it. he has my email and my number, i'd be more than willing to have a conversation. as for talking down to you. guess what? it's a two way street. the day you stop talking down to me i'll do the same. as for questioning my Christianity...that's a good one. am i perfect? far from it. do i have a high opinion of myself? at times, but honestly, it's called a healthy ego. try it sometime. and i take pride in being an asshole? guess what, you do the same shit. and not once have i ever questioned your faith in anything. never will as that's not my job to do so.

to think i have spent nearly 15 years listening to all your problems, all your family bullshit, all your downs, all your highs, you telling me the same fucking story for the 5th time in a week because you can't remember if you told me at all and just letting you go on, letting you get it all off your chest, and this is how you choose to repay that friendship. guess what Debbie? i want the best for you. i want you to be happy, to have a great life and find the peace you deserve. i want you to enjoy your marriage and all the fruit life brings you. but since i'm such a fucking drag on your existence, i will remove myself from the equation.

i'll leave it up to you if you want some fake fuck like me to continue to edit your book. if not, that's cool. if so, that's cool as well. i don't dick over people, like some people i know.

thank you for making me a better person. and i thank you for blowing this friendship up in a spectacular fashion. i can't wait to write these poems. of course, they will all be fake and not any good. the funniest thing you typed was how none of this was to be mean. perhaps you should have tried a less public option for me to believe that bullshit. and if you honestly believe that my meanness is an act, ask my family. you happen to have the gift of catching me at the wrong time more often than not and 2 strong willed creatures can't exist without friction. none of it is good for either of us. and i will not be your excuse for not getting better.

and lastly, something i have never shared with anyone. but since we're airing dirty laundry, when in rome... the real reason i think all this shit with the YouTube video has lasted is your fear that if any of your cool friends thought my video was stupid, and you being my friend and all, they would think you would be stupid as well. and god forbid, you can't have anyone on this planet thinking a negative thought about Debbie Kirk. maybe i'm wrong, or maybe that's much closer to the TRUTH than even you want to realize.

i hope everyone enjoyed a nice behind the scenes look on much of my life for so damn long. guess i'll see what this freedom thing is like now. hope everyone is good. look forward to seeing the insanity Debbie writes in response. hopefully she knows i'm childish enough to drag this out for as long as she wants to. does that make me a bad person? yes, i know it does. i just enjoy the consequences of such things.

and to think all i really wanted when i sent you the link to my first YouTube video was for you to be happy that i was taking a chance and doing something completely out of left field for me. but, i guess in hindsight, that was simply too much to ask for.

music today:

Bruno Mars - Unorthodox Jukebox
Tom Waits - Frank's Wild Years
Imagine Dragons - Night Visions
Gary Clark Jr. - Blak and Blu
Frank Ocean - Channel Orange

"True friends stab you in the front." - Oscar Wilde

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