why i will never be afraid to die...

 it seems to me that every year around this time, death is very prominent on my mind. now, it could be that is the case because of my birthday on January 21st. or, it could be that is the case because winter is the season of death. or, it could be the case that i'm just a morbid fuck. regardless, given the number of high profile deaths here lately, it certainly has entered my brain that my own life will end one of these days. and maybe it is because my mother has cheated death twice now and we spent a good portion of her doctor's appointment yesterday going over DNR scenarios... for some time now, i have thought of death as the natural ending of life. every living thing is going to die. now, i do agree with Lemmy, the closer you die to your birthday, the more natural that death is. the circle of life naturally completes itself. add in all the diseases, drugs, alcohol, the world itself, etc., etc. and there is a plethora of reasons why the circle will close sooner than it most likely should. it floored me yesterday when Lisa Marie Presley died. less than a decade older than me. part of me wonders if after being at the Golden Globes and seeing the actor that won an award for playing her father, kind of closed the circle for her. i often joke about my mother being on the backside of the circle these days. hell, i know damn well i am as well. but unlike my mother, i am not afraid to die. now, i wouldn't mind if death would wait for me to get a few things done first; experiencing real love, seeing a few more oceans, getting my movie written, etc. all in all, just a long-winded way of saying enjoy your life, squeeze all the fucking marrow out of it, and always remember, you are not required to leave a beautiful corpse. rest in peace to Lisa, Robbie Knievel and Robbie Bachman.

now back into the here and now...

the New York Rangers won an absolutely thrilling game last night, defeating Dallas at home 2-1, in OT. now, the Rangers didn't score until there was less than a second left in the game. and then, Adam Fox won the game in OT. this certainly makes me want to believe that it is going to be another special season for the Rangers.

 

Vice News Tonight was really good last night.

Young Sheldon was pretty funny last night.

NJPW was excellent last night.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Smackdown, AEW Rampage and Young Rock. i will watch NXT Level Up sometime tonight on Peacock.

the Dayton Flyers play tonight at home against VCU. this will be a true test to see how good Dayton really is this season.

the New York Knicks play tonight on the road at the Wizards.

here are your NBA highlights from last night:

i won one of my NBA bets last night. tonight i have two NBA bets and one NHL bet going. i also made a bet for this weekend that i feel really good about. if it hits, i'll turn $10 into $400+, so i'm really hoping it does hit. plus, i wouldn't mind if i won the Mega Millions tonight. i have a couple of tickets for it. it would make all the sense in the world if i would win a lottery on Friday the 13th.

i should be on here tomorrow after the Manchester derby. 

i hope everyone has a great weekend.

until tomorrow kids...

fight the power.

fuck racism.

fuck hatred.

fuck war.

fuck the police.

black lives matter.

stay healthy.

wash your fucking hands.

stay off the fucking streets.

get the fucking shot.

No tengo miedo de morir

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Piglet - It Isn't Fair

Sugar Purr - Other Heart

BILBAO - Get Up!

CIVIC - Blood Rushes

Alex Gaw - Something Behind

"How many people have a family grave in the backyard? I'm sure I'll end up there, or I'll shrink my head and put it in a glass box in the living room. I'll get more tourists to Graceland that way." 

                            - Lisa Marie Presley (February 1, 1968 - January 12, 2023)

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day:

i guess i'm too bitter to be naive

i really have no clue why it took my uncle's family so god damn long to get him into hospice. was it that they were too fucking naive about cancer and death? were they so fucking selfish that they had to have him at home? it never made any damn sense to me, but it was never my place to say anything. so my uncle went to hospice yesterday. they cleaned him up and 10 minutes later he was dead. i figured his goal was to make it to Christmas and since he achieved that, it shouldn't be too long... the service is on Wednesday. i'm not looking forward to it. my uncle died without ever knowing what one his daughters did to me. now, i put that on my mother since she chose to not tell anyone about it. so, there's an ocean of feelings for me going into this one. i respected my mother's wishes of not telling him myself, but now i get to spend a funeral where the cousin that molested me will be just a few feet away. the stages of grief, they are all fucked up for me. i went a quarter century not being around my uncle, always thinking that my mother and father had told him why. and then to think that we moved next door to him so he could live out his final days around his sister. i have no fucking clue if we are staying here or not now. i was thinking in the car today that there's probably only 5% of me that's left that doesn't want to die. i have no fucking clue how much longer i can live for that 5%. and i know damn well Wednesday is going to be a shit show where i'm supposed to have a brave face on and not embarrass anyone or make a scene. it's not easy for me to swallow everything that has happened to me and pretend it never fucking existed in the first place. it's even harder when you know the people that are supposed to love you simply don't give a shit. and to think all i ever really wanted was for someone to say i'm sorry. nearly 35 years later, i doubt sorry fucking cuts it now. and when i've exhausted the poems about it, where the fuck do i go from there? so yeah, the funeral will be on Wednesday. i'll be highly medicated.
http://www.gilbert-fellers.com/notices/Donald-Holland

i thought The Golden Globes was pretty good last night. being a very liberal person, i enjoyed all the shots at the incoming king. i would say president, but i know better. i was really happy for Donald Glover. i thought Atlanta was a really amazing show. the two awards last night proved it.

The Affair was a bit of a holy fuck episode last night.

the football games went how i expected them to last night. next week's games should be better.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Vice News Tonight. i'll be watching Monday Night Raw for most of the evening.

sure, i know Alabama is playing Clemson tonight for the national championship. if Ohio State was playing, i'd be watching. i suppose the football game will be on during commercials.

i did write 7 poems today, shocker. i certainly wasn't in the mood to type them up. maybe i'll do that later tonight.

i got the artwork i ordered from Etsy today. it's fucking awesome. here's a link to the shop:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JamesLinckeCreations

i went to the grocery store this afternoon, mostly just to get out of the damn house. for most of the time i was in the store, i was sort of like a zombie. but then i happened to turn up an aisle and be behind this beautiful black woman wearing tight sweatpants. something about watching as ass shake that snaps you right out of being a zombie. yes, the poem is already written.

i will probably be on here tomorrow after Manchester United plays. and i will probably have some more poems written and all of them typed up (hopefully).

my mom is depressed, which i completely understand. as i wrote today, sometimes when we grow old we enter a perpetual state of grief. i'm only 40, so i don't know if there's any fucking way out of it yet.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Fitz & The Tantrums - Songs for a Breakup: Volume 1 EP
St. Paul & The Broken Bones - Burning Rome
Red Wanting Blue - My Name Is Death (Live)
Tinsley Ellis - Kiss of Death

"I've never been an optimist." - Joan Baez

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day:

and now the madness really begins

with the NFL starting back up tonight, my addictive relationship with fantasy football begins again. i'm doing 3 teams this year and i feel good about 2 of them. of course, a few injuries and i'll be bitching and moaning endlessly. my goal is to find some balance so my entire day isn't spent checking transaction reports and all the new age stats.

i had a very interesting conversation with a woman on Google+ this morning. let's just say my fingers are crossed for this one. if this turns out to be a cruel trick, it will be the meanest one of all.

got some news last night i didn't want to hear. my aunt Shirley passed away at 65. fucking cancer. Shirley was probably the one aunt on my father's side that i felt the closest to. that's probably because of the vacation to Disney World when i was a child. of course, that was the vacation where i discovered French pastries and my stomach do not get along. and there's nothing quite like getting the shits at the table to cement a moment in time for the rest of your life. i really wish my father wouldn't have lied to his family as he did. 20 years of no communication at all is such a wide gap that i'm trying to close. but it's such a damn wide gap that, at times, i wonder if there's really a point to all of this. i do hope Shirley got the card i sent before she died. knowing my luck, the shock probably sent her over the edge. i have no clue if they are going to bury her here or out in New Mexico. hopefully they decide to take donations instead of flowers at any funeral. i'd much rather give money to someone trying to fight cancer than on flowers that will eventually become trash.

on that uplifting note, onto the fucking New York Yankees pissing another chance to make up ground on Toronto. they lost last night, 5-3, mostly because Stephen Drew fucking sucks. his shitty defense allowed 3 of those runs to score. and to lose a series to Baltimore with how they were playing is completely unacceptable. they now start a 4 game series with Toronto that they need to either sweep or win 3 of the 4. anything less and i will truly believe they have no fucking chance to win the division. and given the injuries that are starting to stack up, it wouldn't shock me to see them piss away a wild card spot as well. hopefully they get a win tonight.

Big Brother was pretty funny last night. i completely understand why Austin lost his mind last night. these dumb fucks still don't realize just how much Vanessa has controlled all of their games. i expect Liz to get voted out tonight and who the fuck knows to win the next HOH.

You're The Worst was spectacular last night. i miss the one relationship i had that was basically drinking and fucking around ALL the time. oh my 20's. hopefully this will be another great season for the show.

NXT last night was pretty damn good. the two main tag team matches were excellent. i can't wait to see what direction they go in with this tag team tournament. here are some highlights:

time for some music kids:

and now some of this and that:

and now some crazy shit:

tonight on the DVR will be Big Brother, Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll and Married. i will probably spend most of the night flipping between the Yankees game and the game between the Steelers and Patriots.

i got some FREE music on NoiseTrade today from the amazing Son Little. i will put the link down in the music section.

i did some outside work today for the first time in a week. the weather has finally broken a little. i'm sure the birds and the neighbors that sit outside and watch the birds are happy.

that's all for me today. not sure when i'll be on here tomorrow. i want to get my laundry done and i know we need to go to the grocery store. it sounds like a day where i'll be busier than nine cats covering up shit in a wind storm. that my friends, is the essence of sophisticated white trash.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
Seether - Broken
Bruce Springsteen - Racing in the Street
Son Little - Things I Forgot EP + Lay Down

"Look for joy in your life; it's not always easy to find." - Charles Kuralt

and your pro wrestling video of the day:

please watch this:

absolutely gutted

i had just published the blog yesterday when i started checking the news on the right hand side of this blog. when i saw the headline that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper had died, i was shocked, ripped to shreds, absolutely gutted. if Dusty Rhodes' death was like getting hit by a ton of bricks, Piper's is like god driving an 18 wheeler over me and those bricks. i spent most of last night and a good portion of today just watching old videos, old promos, just trying to make some sense of it all. 61 years old and gone. thankfully, legends never truly die. and the Hot Rod was a true, complete legend.

i grew up on that Flair vs. Piper feud. a few years later, it was the classic feud with Hulk Hogan. the man was simply the best heel there ever was. and easily, one of the greatest talkers ever in pro wrestling.

and one of my favorite movie lines of all-time:

you will be missed. it was a pleasure to see you live almost 30 years ago. thank you for making my life a little more tolerable over the years.

as you might imagine, i've been in a moody, depressed... the fucking summer blues. so why not some music:

the New York Yankees broke out the bats last night and won 13-6. Tex had another great game. hopefully they can get another winning streak going. they play again tonight.

NJPW was really good last night. Treehouse Masters was excellent. it showed some treehouses in Brazil. they were pretty fucking amazing.

thankfully, there was some funny shit on last night. god knows, i needed the laughs:

on the DVR tonight will be Power and ROH.

my sister has made it to the house. she brought some shit she got mom at IKEA. so, it looks like the rest of today will be putting furniture together. good times.

the Fracture Me photos i ordered did arrive today. thank god they packed them good as i watched the fucking mailman drop them out of the truck. if they were broken, i might have punched a fucker in the face today. they look really good. i think we're going to put them around this painting of the farm we have, that is whenever we get around to that. most of my design work is done. mom is one of the greatest procrastinators i have ever seen.

that's all for me today. i hope everyone has a great Saturday. everything in moderation, including moderation.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Long As I Can See The Light
Johnny Cash - Hurt
The Band - The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down
Cowboy Junkies - Lost My Driving Wheel (Live)
Warren Haynes - Soulshine (Live)

"I think governments are the cancer of civilization." - Chuck D

and your pro wrestling video of the day:

with only a few clouds in the sky...

this happens to me so many damn times that i can only laugh at it now. i got a line trapped in my head last night. a line that would make for a pretty damn good poem. so, sure enough, as i'm taking the trash down to the end of the lane in my truck, the poem starts to write itself. and of course, i have no pen or paper on me. so, like the crazy fucker i am, i have to keep repeating it to myself until i get back up to the house to write it down. and as i'm repeating i'm adding more lines to it. so you would think it would be easy to just write it down when i get back up to the house. well, not exactly. i forgot the last few lines of what i came up with so the poem that came out of it is a little different than i thought it was going to be. basically, there's the long version of oh by the way, i happened to write a poem this morning.

i enjoyed the season finale of Saturday Night Live last night. helps that some of the best to be on the show in the last decade came back for it. also, i think i'm going to have to give St. Vincent a closer listen when i get the chance.

i did catch most of ROH last night. another great episode of some great pro wrestling. i'll probably check it out again at noon before the Yankees game.

the Yankees play a true doubleheader today. they have an off day tomorrow, so that's good. hopefully they can win both games and not get anyone injured in the process.

i figure i will also watch some playoff basketball and hockey today as well.

and if i can get a good nap in this afternoon, i figure i will make it through all the Sunday night shows. i've re-watched Penny Dreadful a few times in the last few days. this might be the first series i have been this excited for since Six Feet Under.

hope this finds everyone well. i'll be on here sometime in the afternoon tomorrow i guess. it's supposed to get warmer tomorrow, so i might end up being outside for awhile. i noticed the buzzards were out last evening. and when i went to feed the cats this morning, there was definitely the smell of death on the other side of the barn. i figure if it gets a little drier tomorrow, i may do some investigating. my best hunch is that something went to go die underneath one of the brush piles we have over there. i do have one cat that is "missing". i haven't seen it in a few weeks.

sorry for that tangent. sometimes when i start to write i just let the thoughts flow. and like most of my drunk elders, they have no sense of direction.

have a great end to the weekend. go get drunk and forget about work tomorrow.

take it easy... and if it's easy, take it again.

music:

St. Paul & The Broken Bones - Half The City
Johnny Cash - Out Among The Stars
TV On The Radio - Nine Types of Light

"A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something." - Frank Capra

this is what happens when you actually read the newspaper

i'm in a bit of a weird head space at the moment. read the newspaper a few hours ago and came across the news that the father of one of my ex-girlfriends died yesterday. so, now i'm sinking in a flood of memories. for the few of you that have known me forever, this is the father of the older Portuguese woman i was madly in love with 15 years ago. the odd part is that Dianna and i haven't spoke in over 11 years now. to go from best friends to incommunicado for over a decade hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. that being said, i'm truly sorry for your loss. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. i would type here if you need anything... but you're still married so i'm not expecting these shoulders to be used. but, the number and address are the same, just in case...

it's getting ready to rain here. could be bad storms, could be drizzle. i don't trust any of these fuckers with the weather anymore. as long as the power stays on and the DIRECTV signal stays strong, i'm good.

torn on if i should watch the Yankees tonight or not. the last time Baltimore was competitive was 15 years ago. and i'm already in that head space to begin with. i only like one mind fuck at a time. but, i don't see me watching the stand up to cancer shit tonight and further depressing myself. i've lost too many loved ones to that hideous disease. i'm hoping to check out Nick & Artie debuting on DIRECTV tonight. go to www.nickandartie.com for more information.

other than that, who knows. maybe i'll just thrown on some Coltrane and watch it rain. yeah, that should really pump me up for the music festival tomorrow. reminds me of a homeless guy i met when i was 17 in downtown Dayton. we were smoking some cigarettes together and he noticed i was bummed out. girl problems as normal. he laughed. told me that's what i fucking get for having feelings. that kind of stuck with me. do i become cold or do i accept the pain?

i believe we already know the answer.

if i happen to take any photos or have any great stories to tell from the festival, i will post them over the weekend or on Monday.

music today:

Hayes Carll - Trouble In Mind
Guided By Voices - Alien Lanes
Marilyn Manson - Smells Like Children

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later." - Mitch Hedberg

what to do when the day starts with death

i must have been 9 or 10 years old at the time. i was playing with my best friend in the woods across from his house. we came across a trash bag that had a stench that was unbelievable. we went and got his father to open the bag. he did. inside was a dead dog. stuffed in the bag to die we all thought. that stench has stayed with me ever since.

fast forward to today. i go out to feed the cats. i open the side door to the barn most of them stay in. as soon as i opened the door i smelled that smell. i looked around and sure enough, there was my cat T.S. Eliot deader than dead. i last saw him 2 weeks ago and he was looking ragged but i thought nothing of it. he certainly wasn't the same after he lost his war with Neal Cassady over who was going to be the dominant male in the group. i shall raise a glass to you tonight my lost friend. hope you are in a better place, where ever the fuck that may be.

now for the cherry on top

i'm talking about 5 hours of mowing grass in 90 degrees with never being quite sure if i had mowed that part before or not. it was better the more weeds i saw. easier on my eyes. first time i have mowed since June. amazing how much dirt i was wearing at the end of the five hours. too fucking dry out here. chance of rain later in the week. not sure how many times i have been bullshitted by mother nature on that one this summer.

so tonight i plan on catching the rest of the Yankees game, a little Deadliest Catch (behind the scenes, i love that shit) and then Hard Knocks on HBO starts this evening. just about anything HBO Sports does is worth your time. and i'm hoping to avoid the sun shits and bad sleep this evening.

i'm hoping any betting people took my advice on the men's Olympic soccer. i said Brazil and Mexico would play in the final. and they are. don't ask me who wins, but if you like a future bet, that will be the final of the next World Cup as well. nothing like making a prediction a few years ahead of time.

music today:

only what was playing in my head while i was out mowing the grass/weeds. thank heavens i have listened to just about everything in the last 36 years. plenty to choose from.

"So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." - T.S. Eliot

a lovely day of...

waking up to the smell of a skunk, doing the dishes, back pains, a bleeding asshole, worrying about my friend who went under the knife this morning, thoughts of death, flipping off a cop who used his lights just to get around traffic and wondering what the fuck this guy in a suit is doing giving me the evil eye at the post office.

needless to say my choice in music was a bit angry today.

Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
Rage Against the Machine - Live at the Grand Olympic Auditorium
Alice in Chains - Dirt

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow