the best thought you can muster at 4 in the morning

so, there's a part of me that is happy. happy with the misery in my life, because that is where all the good poems come from anymore. the majority of me is truly fucking depressed. when the muse, and that's the last fucking time i will ever call her that, told me yesterday that she would never respond to any of my messages again... that was a punch to my fucking soul. to have your best friend, the woman you talked just two weeks ago about marriage and kids with, to more or less stab you in the heart was a fucking death blow to me. and now, here's where i blow up her spot a bit. she likes to think of herself as a dominatrix. we had amazing, and amazing isn't strong enough of a word, chemistry when it came to phone sex. but, i get the feeling she thought i was a submissive person in real life as well. i'm not, i just have a rather peculiar imagination at times. i believe this is why she has burned nearly every fucking bridge in her life... she has to have servants around her at all times. not people taking care of her, but loyal subjects that will jump at the snap of a finger. she sadly takes this role into her real life as well. and imagine being in a very professional setting, say at a credit card company, and still having this mindset. now, i have no clue what crime or crimes she is accused of. at this point, since she didn't think enough of me to actually clue the one she said she loved in on it, i couldn't give two shits. so, in a since, i am back at square one. i have no best friend. i have no future plans of marriage. i have no muse. these things will either change or they won't. but, now i have two women that are mortal enemies and i will gladly enjoy all of my future success to spite them. it honestly did feel a little weird going to sleep last night without telling someone goodnight and you loved them. and it is in those quiet moments where the horror of your life comes into a clear view. loneliness is the only companion that hasn't fucked you over. in 42 years, it's the only one that pours a drink and understands that death is the only outcome that will suit everyone involved. and it's in the darkness where the light comes to die. and please, don't take this as a threat or a promise or my thoughts for the next few days. i'm simply beating the apathy out of me. driving a stake through the blackened heart and sampling the blood. pissing on the last part of the soon to be dead romantic in me and laughing at the misery. i'm sure i am close to snapping at this point. but the breakdown will be on the pages. and i can easily imagine a notebook being filled soon.

so my final words to her came around 3 in the afternoon yesterday. when i think of all the time i have wasted, pouring my soul out to her and having it shit on as my reward, my final words should have come to her about 15 years ago. and there will always be that voice in the back of my head, reminding me i don't get to have a happy ending. that the love i always dreamed about died when i was molested as a child. that is where the living part of life gets really fucking hard. but, when you realize no one fucking cares, it makes it easier to know suicide is not the solution i'm looking for.

when i find that fucking solution, i'll clue everyone in on it. the wild ride needs a few new passengers, at least for the shits and giggles along the way.

now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

so when Manchester United got down 2-0 yesterday, i wasn't surprised. the fact they made it 2-2 at halftime wasn't surprising either. sadly, neither was the fact that the game at Southampton ended 2-2. more fucking points dropped. great.

i did watch a ton of college football yesterday. the Alabama vs. Georgia game was easily the best game of the day. with Alabama and Oklahoma winning yesterday, i don't think Ohio Sate will make the playoffs this season. but, other than them playing down to their competition yet again last night, i did enjoy Ohio State winning another Big Ten championship.

the New York Rangers lost in Montreal last night, 5-2. they play this afternoon at home against Winnipeg. before the game, Vic Hadfield will have his number retired. sadly, that will probably be the best part of the game today.

Saturday Night Live was pretty good last night.

ROH was very good last night.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Camping, Ray Donovan, Escape at Dannemora and Enemies: The President, Justice & the FBI.

since my football team isn't playing today, i might try to get some yard work done. we ended up with 2.3 inches of rain yesterday. that was in front of a warm front. it only got down to around 50 last night. the high today is supposed to be around 60. you know, typical weather for December 2nd.

i took mom out shopping yesterday. she wanted to go to the local drug store and grocery store to get a few things. i'm pretty sure she found what she was looking for.

i have no clue when i'll be on here tomorrow. it will probably be between loads of laundry.

i hope everyone had a better Saturday than i did. i hope your Sunday is even better.

La miseria es de donde vienen los mejores poemas.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

David Bowie - Modern Love
Lucero - Goodbye Again
Daniel Johnston - Some Things Last a Long Time
Ivan Neville - Why Can't I Fall in Love

"Character is that sum total of moments we can't explain." - George Saunders

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day: