it was one of those days. i tossed and turned until 6 this morning. i finally fell asleep and woke up at 10. joy. made some coffee, had some breakfast and then didn't make it to the toilet in time. fuck me. so, i had a little laundry to do. these are the days where i just shake my head and realize the 8 year old me was the smartest one i knew. for those of you who wonder why i always reference that... it was at 8 years old that i first thought of suicide. and given all the pain, rejection and endless amounts of effort put into this world for nothing... imagine all of that being spared and ceasing to exist. i don't want to make suicide this glamorous thing because it isn't. i have people i love that have done it or even tried it. but, i never judge anyone that chooses that route. not my place to do that. mostly because, i have been there and if my circumstances would have been different, i would have done it. i tried it once at 17, but didn't know at that point in my life you need to snuff out the will to live to accomplish your goal. now, at 48, i know such things. but i don't think i have the strength, unless i am a few bottles of Jack Daniels in, to snuff out the will. but, i do know i am capable. so, i tuck it away like an Irish goodbye. don't worry, i have too many irons in the fire to do something like that right now. the light still makes it through the darkness. when that changes, then worry.
i did catch a little of the Oscars last night.
