battling depression

i'm not quite sure most people understand how lonely it gets here in my head. when you're constantly reliving your past, and can't seem to make any move forward with your future. it just sets off this snowball of events that always goes to the same place... always to the same damn question... will anyone really miss me when i die? and with each passing day, i'm getting really close to knowing that answer is no. and then comes the real decision to make. gun, rope or locked garage?

mom's eye appointment yesterday did not go well. she has macular degeneration in both eyes. near the end of this month, i think she either has an appointment or an outpatient surgery. i guess they go behind her fake lenses and use a laser to zap the blurriness. it sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. the next step would be transplants of her corneas from a cadaver and mom said she'd rather just go blind. so, i have that to look forward to.

it's been raining just enough here that the combination of my arthritis, my depression and my mood is a recipe for a fucking disaster.

mom's been smelling a skunk late at night the past 3 or 4 nights. and then she read online that sometimes that's a gas leak in your HVAC system. oh joy. so, she talked herself out of having our HVAC guy come out today. i looked at her like she's fucking crazy. i said well, too bad we aren't smokers because then we would really know. i asked what's the fucking point in waiting? do you want to see the house blow up and then go, well shit, i guess it was a gas leak. so, she made the call and they came out. i cleared away the vines from the air conditioner outside. the guy said there's no gas leak, but our igniter on our furnace is getting bad. he said he had the replacement in his truck and it would cost $120 to do it right then and there. mom said she would add it to the list. after the guy went out i said to mom, well, you could always wait until it fails in the middle of winter and i'm sure they will love coming out here to fix it. she then snapped back with her usual, well, why don't you say something. and then i snapped back with my usual, you want me to run things, you won't like your fucking life. she has the money, but wants to act concerned. you know, because there's $20,000 going for new windows and probably $6,000 for new landscaping, but $120 for a new igniter on the furnace is just too much at the moment.

and on top of all that, she wanted chinese food for lunch.

these are the days where i hope my sister truly enjoys that i passed on going to college so she could because it would be cruel to make mom get two jobs to put us both through college since dad gambled all the college money away. and i know my sister couldn't give two shits.

so, to combat all of this shit today, i decided to send some poems out. just a small submission, 3 poems to Small Town Rejects. when i hear back from them, i will pass along the verdict.

i had a woman try to scam $50 out of me today. i laughed. she sadly picked the wrong fucking day.

the New York Yankees got some great pitching last night and enough offense to defeat Tampa 4-1. hopefully they will win again tonight.

Smackdown was pretty good last night. i thought they did a good job setting up their matches for SummerSlam this Sunday.

205 Live was good last night as well.

The Jim Jefferies Show was hilarious last night.

Deadliest Catch was good last night.

Miz and Mrs. was excellent last night.

Hard Knocks was pretty good last night.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Vice News Tonight, Lucha Underground and Big Brother. i'll watch NXT sometime tonight on WWE Network.

the cd i sent the muse has arrived. of course, she's in no rush to pick it up or listen to it.

i might send out some more poems tomorrow. i do have a place in mind. of course, who the fuck knows where my head will be come tomorrow morning.

i'll be on here in the morning tomorrow since the Yankees play in the afternoon. mom has cancelled her appointment on Friday, so that clusterfuck with the grocery shopping has been avoided.

there's supposed to be storms overnight, so i know i won't sleep worth a fuck tonight. joy.

es demasiado para que alguien me diga que me quiere y lo dice en serio

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Mannequin Pussy - Romantic
Ebony Stewart - Ode To My Pussy
Cobra Verde - Never My Love
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Long As I Can See the Light

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." - Napoleon Bonaparte

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day:

always good for a laugh

i just watched a "news" conference with President dipshit and the dumb fuck decided to take questions and immediately went right back to his words from Saturday... violence on many sides. that pretty much proves what i said yesterday, his "new" remarks simply being a public relations clean up mess more than his heart, was actually true. he can't fully remove himself from the racists because he knows that eliminates so much of his damn support that he won't have much to stand on. so if he thinks the protests against him are bad now, just fucking wait. i always wondered what this country was like in 1968 with the threat of assassination constantly in the air. my gut tells me i'm going to see it firsthand. i almost feel sorry for the fucker at the White House who has to clean up this mess, again.

the New York Yankees came from behind last night to beat the Mets 4-2. solo home runs from Judge, Sanchez and Hicks did the job. for all of them, that was the 40th home run of their careers. that's kind of spooky. even better last night, the Red Sox lost, so the Yankees picked up a game in the division. hopefully they can win again tonight.

Monday Night Raw was very good last night. they certainly are going into SummerSlam with some good momentum.

I Hart Food is the new show on the Food Network from Hannah Hart (My Drunk Kitchen on YouTube). it was really good, as i thought it would be. it certainly provided a bit of a mental break from the fucking news, that's for sure.

Vice News Tonight last night was great. it was completely a behind the scenes look at what happened in Charlottesville over the weekend. i highly recommend it, especially since it shows you the fucking dumb fucks behind the rally to begin with.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Vice News Tonight, Smackdown, Hard Knocks, The Jim Jefferies Show and Deadliest Catch. i'll watch 205 Live on WWE Network sometime tonight.

i did listen to the latest Jim Norton & Sam Roberts podcast this morning. you can find that by going here: https://soundcloud.com/jimandsamshow/ep-037-anthony-cumia

i think the alcohol worked last night as i got a good amount of sleep overnight. not as much as i probably needed as i probably need a damn coma to catch up quite honestly.

i do need to get the trash picked up here and next door, so that's all for me today kids.

i have no clue when i'll be on here tomorrow. everything has been sort of thrown out of whack now that mom is more or less finished with her physical therapy.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Caamp - Misty
Gary Jules - Mad World
Massive Attack - Mezzanine
Billy Paul - Me and Mrs. Jones

"In politics stupidity is not a handicap." - Napoleon Bonaparte

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day:

thoughts on what could have been

after watching the Yankees win again last night, 11-3 with Alfonso Soriano having another career game (2 HR 7 RBI), i was really hoping they would get the 4 game sweep today. then, i reminded myself Phil Hughes was pitching and the chances of the sweep happening were slim and fucking none. all in all, Hughes didn't pitch horrible today. but not good enough either. the bullpen really shit the bed. and the offense let chance after chance slip by. 8-4 loss, which pretty much kills any momentum they had going up to Boston. now, i'm sure they will spin it that they won another series, the bats are warming up, etc. etc. it's too late in the season for moral victories.

i was very happy to see team USA win in Europe yesterday 4-3. first time they have ever won when trailing in Europe. i really enjoyed that victory beer. 12th win in a row i do believe.

Duck Dynasty last night was hilarious. i often find myself while i'm watching the show thinking about how my stepdad would have loved this show.

The Bridge last night peeled another layer of the onion back. i really hope this show answers all the questions by the end of the season. i've watched enough to have a ton of them. best show i've seen in quite some time.

yet again tonight, due to pre-season NFL games, i'll have to follow Big Brother via the internet. i guess i could try doing some writing as i'm doing that. who knows. i am looking forward to Wilfred tonight on FX.

hope everyone enjoyed the cartoon i posted earlier. that gives you a little taste of what Janne Karlsson and i have been working on. i really want to find a good publisher for what we've got so far. i really think it will blow some minds.

cat update:

my cats Walt Whitman and Jermaine Jackson have been officially scratched off the list. i believe they are dead as it has been over a month since i have seen them. the 2 kittens i saw in the igloo the other day are actually 4 kittens. i still have no fucking clue who the mother is, but i am leaning to believing it is Michael Jackson. hopefully i will get solid proof by this weekend.

can't believe the Premier League starts up this weekend. another 7 months of the potential of being pissed off from Saturday morning on. lovely. i like that many of the "experts" are doubting Manchester United with no Sir Alex. hopefully the team accepts that chip on their shoulder and prove everyone wrong yet again.

about 10 days or so until my fantasy football drafts. hopefully i will have luck on my side again this season.

that's all for today. i do hope this finds everyone well. and hello to all my new readers and followers in Sweden.

music:

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Radiohead - Pablo Honey

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." - Napoleon Bonaparte

the sun finally shines on my ass

welcome to anyone who is here because of The Sam Roberts Show Online. more on that in a moment.

i sent off 6 poems today. 3 each to Pyrokinection and Napalm and Novocain. if any poems get accepted, i will post the good news as soon as i get it. rejection notes may take a little longer...

was totally blown away when Primetime Sam Roberts mentioned this blog in episode #26 (Feeling Strong) of The Sam Roberts Show Online. you can find that here http://notsam.com/podcast.html. enjoy the shows and help the man out if you can.

i'm also a little pumped up that Manchester United is very, very close to getting RvP and Angelo Henriquez. once both signings become official, a matter of time is what i'm hearing, i'll be full of shits and giggles for league play to start this weekend.

hats off to Hiroki Kuroda for his 2 hit shutout of Texas last night. i definitely caught myself thinking holy shit, he's gonna throw a no-no. and the game had a playoff feel going as well. if Swisher can come through like that in the playoffs for a change, shine up the rings for another championship my friends. here's hoping Sweaty Freddy and the Yankees can get another one tonight.

a hello to my friend in California. you will get better. and soon. keep at the hard work and you shall be rewarded.

lastly, i believe i heard some new kittens when i went out to feed the cats today. from the way she was acting, i believe they belong to Rita Dove. i didn't hunt much for them as if they are hers, these would be her first ones. i figure i will give it a month and then see how they are doing. she's a pretty lean and mean cat, so it wouldn't shock me if they are dead soon. but stranger things have happened at this zoo, i mean farm.

music today:

Soul Asylum - Grave Dancers Union
Ben Harper - Give Till It's Gone
Van Morrison - Tupelo Honey

"A leader is a dealer in hope." - Napoleon Bonaparte