a lesson in self loathing

today was the epitome of wasting a day. i woke up this morning in a decent mood. got some sleep. the humidity has finally broken, so it was almost comfortable this morning. after about 20 minutes online, that's when the news got to me. one of the former loves of my life is back with the same piece of shit that would fuck her over and send her crying to me. instead of having the attitude of oh well, it became a shit on me day of what is wrong with me. it's funny, i think about what my friend Jack told me when i was 17. we were walking the streets of the Oregon District in downtown Dayton and he said that how i take things, so deeply personal and intensely, i could be nothing but a poet. i laughed at the time and here i am 20 years later a poet. congrats Jack, you were correct.

i know this is one of my bullshit processes that i go through during these moments in my life. sadly, i feel like the process is necessary as i'm 37 years old and single, with absolutely no possible relationship on the horizon (unless someone is planning on surprising me)(please). i also have had the misfortune to seriously consider suicide more times in my life than i have had a member of the opposite sex who wasn't related to me say "i love you" and actually mean it. way more. so this analytical bullshit tends to get me through all of this without injuring myself too badly.

so, spending five hours on the internet today shitting on myself while watching horrible porn is all part of the process. not necessarily healthy, but part of it. i know in a day or two, this will all be fuel to write with. i just wish the next two days of self loathing didn't need to happen. but, i look at it as the trade off for being a genius. i get to be fucked in the head. great.

off of my soapbox now...

the Yankees won last night, 2-1. first time they have won 2 games in a row in a month. hopefully tonight will be 3.

Monday Night Raw was excellent, mostly because of the segments involving CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. and RVD winning the battle royal.

i'm hoping the Yankees game is over by the time Hard Knocks comes on HBO this evening.

cat update:

my cat Tolstoy has reappeared. no visible signs of fighting or whatnot. also, while doing a little check of the boxes, igloos, etc. the cats sleep in, i found 2 kittens. probably no more than 2 weeks old at best. can't wait to tell mom that news. i pretty much know who the father is. the cat John Prine will fuck anything that moves. i don't know who the mother is. i guess i'll need to figure that out later this week.

that's all. i guess i should check my email now.

music:

Jason Isbell - Southeastern
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

"I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it." - Alfred Hitchcock

a good start to the weekend

as i bounced around tv shows last night, i couldn't help but notice the Yankees were winning. so, i once again fell into the trap of watching the game. Nova pitched great once AGAIN. but, when Mo blew the save for the second game in a row, i wasn't upset with him. i was upset with who the fuck ever put the CF in the wrong damn spot when Austin Jackson was up. besides, Mo gives up a home run to the best hitter on the planet, shit happens. in the 10th, i was pissed off enough to wake my mother up basically screaming why the fuck wouldn't Girardi pinch hit for Chris "i couldn't hit a 300 feet window with a bulldozer" Stewart. thankfully, the CF i was pissed off with in the 9th got the winning hit on the next play. it was a pissed off victory beer, but i enjoyed it.

after that, i sat down at the computer to study the 3 illustrations the artist from Sweden sent me that weren't related to any poems i had written. he asked if i could come up with something for them. 30 minutes later and i'm emailing him what i came up with. i woke up this morning to an email from him saying that he loved them. that makes 7 so far in our little collaboration. he said he's going to send some more soon. i figure once we get to 10 or so, i'll start looking for a publisher. if anyone reading this may be interested, feel free to contact me.

the Yankees play here in a few hours. Hughes is on the mound so my expectations are about as low as possible. other than that and some ROH late tonight, i have no clue what i will be watching today. i might break out the camera if the weather is decent enough and take some pictures. if i do, i'll post them sometime tomorrow.

saw news this morning that Wayne Rooney told his teammates he's going to Chelsea. i refuse to believe any of this shit until it happens. but if he does go there, i sadly believe that those pieces of shit will win the title this year. i would so love to be wrong about that.

i did watch a good portion of Smackdown last night. hard to believe that RVD can still wrestle they way he did 10 years ago. maybe even better. i'm so tempted to get the next PPV, but i won't. that's one of the upsides of being poor. you can always be tempted but reality has a foot on your neck. so the decision has already been made for you.

until tomorrow or later tonight (in case i need to vent or amaze myself with some photo action)

music:

The xx - Coexist
The Allman Brothers Band - The Allman Brothers Band
Emeli Sande - Our Version Of Events
Buddy Guy - Living Proof
Ray LaMontagne - Till the Sun Turns Black

"Less is only more where more is no good." - Frank Lloyd Wright