and now he's nothing but a ghost

i had a hard time falling asleep last night, which i was prepared for. i took a shower late and did everything i could to get my body at ease. when i woke up at 8 in the morning, i guess the trick worked. of course, it was only 3 hours of sleep, but 3 more than i thought i was going to get. i wasn't exactly sure what to expect today. but, i figure it's not everyday you get to see your father in a casket, so i might as well wear a shirt with a collar. i met a couple of his step-children. i saw his oldest sister for the first time in 25 years. at 10 AM sharp, we took the drive deep into the VA facility for the service. when i was asked to be a pallbearer i was a little stunned, but i agreed figuring this would help this feel real to me. after that was over, the service began. my father was in the Air Force, so they had to do the whole flag and taps ceremony. both of those always get me to cry. those tears lasted right until they handed the flag to his wife's daughter. not that i'm the oldest next of kin or anything. then there were some prayers and then the reverend from the church my father went to spoke. i'm not sure who the fuck he was talking about when he spoke about a kind and generous man that loved church. as i told my sister when the service ended, i'm still thinking about that kind and generous man having his hands around my neck trying to kill me.

since my sister and i weren't given the opportunity to speak at the service, my sister wanted to pass on what she was going to say. it doesn't have all the colorful language that i was going to use, but the sentiment is the right one:

The man I have heard described today and for the last 2 weeks is not the man my brother nor I had the luxury of knowing. I will never get answers to the many questions I have. In order to close the chapter and move on from today I have to take from this, that my father's inability to ever say 'i love u' or 'i'm proud of u' to my brother or i and his 19 year absence from my life is proof that humans are capable of changing. I take solace that he didn't die alone and unloved and as awful as the treatment that my brother and I received, that treatment was probably part of his transformation into a human being capable of giving love to those that loved him.

that was much kinder than i would have been. as for anything i would have said, i'm sure that will come out in the forms of poems over the next few years.

i did find out today that my father retired from the post office in 2009. i suppose he had no choice when he got the diagnosis of dementia. that means he worked at the post office for 37 years. no wonder he died at 68. i suppose the next shoe to drop will be the reading of the will. that will probably get really fucking interesting, especially if the fucker was dumb enough to not list me or my sister in it.

i didn't go to the church afterwards to listen to more bullshit. i ended up going out to lunch with my mother, sister and two of her friends. after a few drinks and some food, it was back to being just another fucking day in my life.

time for a quick musical break and hopefully a few laughs:

the New York Yankees lost last night 3-1. to be honest, i didn't watch any of the game.

the New York Rangers lost 1-0 last night to fall behind in the series 2-1. sadly, i watched more of that game than i should have. fucking frustrating beyond belief. and of course i will probably miss some of Game 4 because of the farm auction.

Gotham was fucking brilliant. that was an amazing first season. i can't wait for the next one.

Monday Night Raw was actually really good last night. it figures, since there was so much else on last night. here's a few of the highlights:

and the image that will make me smile for weeks to come:

to be honest i didn't watch much of The Voice last night and didn't vote at all. so i have no clue who is getting voted off tonight. regardless, i'm pretty sure that Sawyer will end up winning this season.

the Kurt Cobain documentary on HBO last night was brilliant. so many memories that brought back. and considering that was right around the time my parent's got divorced... you could say that moments of that last night were truly a mind fuck.

i didn't get to watch any of the David Letterman special from last night. but, i do have it on the DVR so i will hopefully watch it sometime this week.

as for tv tonight, the Yankees play up in Toronto again. there's a WWE special on ESPN that i will have on the DVR. after i watch The Voice, i believe Undateable is live tonight. so, that should make for some interesting viewing. and at some point i will fit in Deadliest Catch. other than that, i think i'm just going to try to stay cool. the weather is a bit balmy today.

that's all for me today. i hope everyone enjoyed their Cinco de Mayo. hopefully the drinks didn't get the better of you.

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Johnny Cash - Bitter Tears: Ballads of The American Indian
Hippo Campus - Suicide Saturday (* FREE on iTunes)
Superheaven - I've Been Bored (* FREE on iTunes)
The Iguanas - Mexican Candy
Shinedown - Sound of Madness
Nirvana - Where Did You Sleep Last Night? (Live)

"Religion is the impotence of the human mind to deal with occurrences it cannot understand." - Karl Marx

and now your pro wrestling video of the day: