4 in the morning, in a cold sweat...

i am somewhat used to having bad dreams. i mean, i have probably died in my dreams a couple million times i suppose. but the dream last night was different. it felt more real, more likely to fucking happen. i would guess the dream was about 10 to 15 years in the future. i know it was a dream because i was successful and happy. the writing was actually making me money and i was with a beautiful woman (the muse). i was walking down the street, back to our little utopia in some tall building in some big city, where out of nowhere i was shot in the face and killed. and it happened just like that. no warning, no slow motion... i popped out of bed like what the fuck. i got online to see if the muse happened to be awake, as she would be the only one i would want to talk to at that point. of course, 4 in the morning, most people are fucking asleep. i got back in bed and tried to calm myself. that didn't work but i eventually did go back to sleep. i think i got 3 hours or so after that. i have had this long held belief, since childhood, that happiness was something that i wasn't supposed to experience in this life. i have tried for over 30 years to try to change that. i haven't been successful. the muse is one of the few humans on this planet that makes me think such change is possible. i tend to think the dream last night was my subconscious reminding me that no matter how much i think i can change, or if change is even possible, it will be taken away in a snap of the fingers.

i did finish the mix cd i made for the muse last night. i'm going to be really interested to see what her reaction to this will be.

the New York Yankees won yesterday 5-3 over Texas. the bullpen tried to give the game away but thankfully Miguel Andujar hit a clutch homer in the 7th that was the winning runs. the Yankees can win the series this afternoon.

i took a nap after i finished the blog yesterday. i actually woke up feeling somewhat refreshed. so, after the baseball game was over yesterday, i decided to go out to the store. i found what mom and i couldn't find at Meijer finally yesterday. plus, right before i left, mom told me that Kroger had called. that meant the pills i called in must be ready. so i went there after Meijer, got my pills and a couple other things. i made it back home before dinner.  that made me feel at least productive.

ROH was excellent last night.

i did watch Henry Rollins: Keep Talking, Pal again last night. it was much better than i was expecting.

enjoy some music:

and now some of this and that:

on the DVR tonight will be Big Brother, Power, The Affair, Who is America?, Our Cartoon President, Sharp Objects, Ballers and Insecure.

i know mom has two appointments coming up this week. she's finally getting her eyes checked on Tuesday. and then on Friday, she's going to an appointment down by where she went to rehab. i'm not sure when i'm going to do the grocery shopping on Friday. but, i won't stress over that clusterfuck until it happens.

i hope everyone had a good Saturday. hopefully, your Sunday will be even better.

Moriré solo y miserable, tal como Dios quiso

be well. be creative. be cool. be quick to send me CASH, panties, hate mail, love letters, broken promises and dirty pennies from heaven.

peace and chicken grease...

music:

Q Lazzarus - Goodbye Horses
Cowboy Junkies - Powderfinger
Maria McKee - If Love Is a Red Dress (Hang Me in Rags)

"Creation is a drug I can't do without." - Cecil B. DeMille

and your whatever the fuck i wanted you to see video of the day: